Among those walking the streets, I can be seen. As a matter of fact, perhaps unknown to me, there, among the crowd, are others just like me. Some of us walk with confidence, some with gestures and movements which give us away, while others show not even a hint of incrimination—after all, so many of us, possessing so much to lose, if discovered, choose to remain in the closet.
What’s this closet, of which I speak? Surely it’s not one which holds within it clothes. No, I am talking about my own small private room—the gay man’s closet. I am here to introduce you to this enclosed corner, and one by one, I will lay bear to you in detail the things that are found in this closet. Are you sure you are ready for the journey?
The gay man’s closet is equally filled, with darkness and light, however, the darkness in this case always overshadows the light. Since I am sharing with you the gay man’s closet, let me share with you what can be found within: lies, deception, mis-trust, loneliness, isolation, depression, alcoholism, gut-wrenching emotional pain, anger, frustration, denial, lust, betrayal, drugs, raw passion and rejection.
Not everyone is in the closet, there are those who choose to be true to themselves and not hide who they are, so they become public. Of course, such truth like every other truth has its price, but remember, we are only here to talk about the closeted gay man.
In this closet, there are no strata barriers, for in the closet, you will find: the doctor, the minister of religion, the nurse, the politician, the police man, the farmer, the teacher, the accountant and the thug, oh yeah, the “thug”, and the newest term on the block, the “shatta”, he’s included as well. There are many rationales; for being in the closet, one which is most prominent is the fact that homosexuality is not legally nor morally accepted here in the Caribbean, so, some persons choose the closeted way rather than the public way. Then, there are some others, who, having so much to lose choose to remain in the closet, perhaps, it’s Mr Masculine and Handsome, who is well respected and married to the beautiful Mrs High Society. Or it’s the “thug”, who is the perfect definition of masculinity who wares his pants lowered, with his tattoo, and ripped muscle, and who oftentimes fulfills the many needs of the girls who cannot take their hands off him and equally so the guys. Are you getting the picture of the men in the closet? What’s racing through your mind thus far? Are you wondering, what if? I’ve just started, there is more to come, and I know that you are intrigued. Am I wrong? Forgive my manners, but I forgot to tell you, sometimes the monies which some “shattas” and “thugs,” get to maintain the one too many children they have—actually comes from other men deep down in the closet, who require their services, which comes with a price tag.
Interesting enough, it’s the men in the closet who often times hurl remarks at the ones who are open. This for some, is one way of giving those in earshot the feeling that they despise people who are so inclined. Despite the fact that I am in the closet, I’ve had my share of abusive remarks from persons who have their suspicions about my sexuality. How ironic. Now, I smile when I see some of these guys on the streets, because unknowing to them, I can, if I was mischievous, indicate to them the male figure they drop off in the wee hours of the morning at the entrance of a certain community, and I know that you guys were not just “hanging”. Yes, the closeted gay man’s closet, at times, can be considered a game of hide and seek. And you know how exciting and equally dangerous such a game can be.
Remember, I’ve only started the journey, of the closeted gay man’s closet, and since I am not sitting in front of you answering your questions, then it’s my role to make sure that I adequately cover and do justice so that at the end you will be fully enlighten. Since I would not be coming back to this point during the series of articles, I want you to bear in mind one thing, and always remember it, the gay men in the closet, can be anyone. I once told a very close female friend of mine, that think of the gay men in the closet this way, line up ten men, with their backs turn, and provide the perfect man—who is the embodiment of masculinity who is filled with deep hatred for homosexuals—with a gun, so as to shoot all ten men. But, before he pulls the trigger, give him the opportunity to view the faces of the men whose lives he is about to take. When the men turn around, the man with the gun falls dead. Why? Because standing among the ten men were his best friend and close family members who were dear to him in some way and whom he never had a clue were so inclined.
Again, the gay closeted man can be any man; the only way of defining him is deceptively secretive. You cannot tell by mannerism, you sometimes cannot even judge based on association. You see, when you have a secret, you go to great lengths to protect it, and most times, the bigger the secret, the more the lies will flow. And, we will talk about those lies, we will—in due time, for perhaps, who knows, some of my female readers, may have fallen victim too such lies.
I am sure you may be wondering, why am I writing from the closet? And why am I in the closet? They are good questions indeed. Each person is entitled to their decision, and I have made mine. I am personally of the view that your sexuality is your sexuality and should be on a need-to-know basis, so for me, only those who need to know should know. And who are they? Those who I choose to have relations with and the people that I consider my friends. For me, being in the open is a matter of choice. It is not that I am hiding who I am in the closet; I am simply protecting myself from the outer elements, the outer elements of emotional abuse and ostracization, and who knows, perhaps physical abuse. The closet is my choice. It is painful and often times very lonely—but it is safe for me.
So why am I writing? I wanted to bring to the open, the naked truth. I want us to start looking in the mirror and face the reality of homosexuality within the Caribbean—for we keep forever skirting the issue.
I write for I want the “fake straights” out there, to stop hiding behind their macho persona and stop being so unkind to those who are not like them, and to get them to become more responsible with their actions. I write because I want readers to wake up to the harsh reality that perhaps you might just be part of a deceptive love relationship.
So, you have started the journey with me, the journey into the closet of the closeted gay man, as we continue this journey, I implore you, not to be judgmental, not to be frightened, but be open minded. Until next week, I am heading back in the closet. (St. Lucia Star)
